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Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure
by Todd Werner
Frederick Douglass once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”. Therefore, we are asking for your help in our goal to end domestic violence!
For the last twenty- five years we have been providing groups to men and women who have been abusive in their relationships and continue to treat hundreds of men and women every year in the S.A.F.E. program. We recognize that so many of these adults would not be here today, if they would have gotten what they needed in their childhood. We as parents have an incredible amount of power to create a peaceful world, by raising kids in a peaceful home.
In these years we have treated thousands of adults and have recognized similar patterns in these individuals who have gone on to abuse their partner. In our experience, there are several things a parent can do to insure that boys and girls grow up to lead lives of respect and non-violence. The following are some suggestions in no particular order.
- Do not physically, emotionally or sexually abuse them.
- It’s okay for your child(ren) to see conflict in your house, as long as it is respectful. They need to see that conflict and disagreement is a part of life, and something not to be afraid of. They need to see and learn how adults compromise and negotiate. They also need to understand that sometimes people will need to agree to disagree.
- Treat your spouse or significant other with respect and equality. Treat your children with the same respect.
- Stop all physical (pushing, grabbing, hitting, kicking, etc), emotional abuse and intimidation in your house. If you are unable to do so, seek out help from professionals who deal with this issue. If there is abuse in the home, staying only for the children is not in their best interest.
- Children model what they learn. They need to understand that anger is not a bad thing. Demonstrate that people can be angry without hurting or humiliating others. Help them see what other feelings are behind their anger.
- Reduce their exposure to violence in the media. Also, be willing to talk about the violence they do see around them and how that might effect that person and those around them. Life is not a 30 minute sitcom, where everything gets resolved after the commercial.
- Be able and willing to talk about your feelings. Also, help them to label and understand their feelings better. Do not criticize or judge their feelings.
- Work on your own self-esteem. If we feel bad about ourselves, it is difficult as parents to nurture that in someone else. Kids need to feel they are important and worth your time and attention.
- Do not enable your children. I see parents increasingly try to do things for their children that they can easily do for themselves. Similar to the movie, “A Failure to Launch”, many are at risk to raise children who are helplessly dependent on their parents and unwilling to demonstrate self-sufficiency.
- Be clear and consistent in your children’s rules, expectations and consequences. Consistency creates a feeling of safety and predictability.
- Don’t blame other people for your feelings or behavior.
- Spend the right amount of quality time with your children.
- Nurture empathy in your children. Challenge them to understand situations or challenges from someone else’s perspective. Encourage and demonstrate acceptance and tolerance of other people’s opinions, traditions, and feelings, even though theirs might be widely different than your own.
- Have stable and predictable moods. We all go through mood swings throughout the day and week. However, if your mood swings make people around you nervous or afraid, please seek out professional help from a trained therapist.
- Understand that having your kids fear you is NOT respect.
- Hold them accountable for their actions. Do not make excuses for their bad behavior, and don’t bail them out of negative situations they created for themselves.
- Compliment, encourage and validate everyone in your family. Do not criticize others. When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical. To paraphrase Frank Clark… criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a person’s growth without destroying their roots.
- Don’t be a hypocrite! As parents we sometimes find that our behaviours don’t always match our expectations that we have for our children. I sometimes see dishonest parents telling their children to be honest, abusive parents telling their children to be more respectful, irresponsible parents lecturing on responsibility, parents yelling at their kids for yelling at their sibling, and abusive men telling their kids to treat their mom better and listen to her.
Todd Werner is the Co-Executive Director of Peaceful Solutions Counseling in Wausau and one of the facilitators of the S.A.F.E. program.
Being Angry as a Parent
by Todd Werner
When I first became a parent I quickly realized that this experience was going to teach me many lessons about patience and how I really dealt with my anger. It surprised me how angry I could get at those little ones I loved so much. It sometimes shocked me how agitated I could feel over matters that later seemed unimportant and trivial. In my discussions with many parents, this seems to be the common challenge. The following are some ideas that I’ve learned along the way on what to do when we are angry with our children.
Don’t Take it Personally:
I believe that so often when our children cry, act out, don’t listen, act irresponsibly, tantrum, or demonstrate any other negative behavior, we take it too personally. We might take it as a personal attack on us, a reflection on how we are doing as a parent, and a challenge to our authority. I think it’s important that we remind ourselves that in each stage of development that our child enters, they will perhaps rebel, not listen to us like we want them to, or not follow every rule. That is what children do. We just need to respond with consistency and understanding.
Take a Deep Breath:
This old saying has a lot of truth to it. When we are really angry, we often breathe very shallow or hold our breath, thereby increasing the stress response in our body, which often leads to more negative self-talk and increased physical symptoms of anger. When we take a few deep breaths and count to ten (or something similar that occupies the right side of our brain) we are sending out different signals to our brain, and changing our physiological and chemical response to our anger. However, this does not mean that we should ignore what we are angry about. Anger often is a call to action. However, we sometimes need to get a different perspective in which we can start to focus on solutions rather than just the problem.
Ask For Help:
When the job of being a parent gets too overwhelming, it’s okay to ask for help. Find people in your life that you can trust (friends, relatives, agencies, programs, etc…) that can be there for you when you need to take a break, or want to get some information, tips, or feedback about how to be a better parent. Asking for help or other ideas does not mean that you are a bad or ineffective parent. It simply means that you want to be the best mom or dad that you can be to your children.
Use Cool off Techniques
Discover and practice the many techniques you can do to cool off quickly so you can begin to focus on solutions. You might take a short break or time-out (Obviously, the length of time depends on the age of the child), call a friend, talk to another parent so you can see you’re not alone, write about it, turn on your favorite music that helps to sooth you, exercise, change your self-talk, be assertive and direct to those with whom you are angry, meditate or do some other relaxation technique, get a massage, read a book, take a walk, etc. Whatever happens, don’t scream, belittle, scare, shake them, or use any other physical abuse to get your way, or resolve your issues of anger. Remember, we are teaching our child how to deal with their anger every time we deal with ours.
Have a Plan:
Don’t always wait until the really tough moments to make decisions on how you will act or react, what the rules are, or what the consequences will be. The more clear you are with yourself and your children ahead of time, the less chance that you will react based on your anger and some other old patterns of behavior. I find that if we don’t have a clear vision of what we will do ahead of time in those trying moments of being a parent, there is a higher likelihood that we find ourselves acting from old experiences and memories. Depending upon how you were parented, that might not always be the best route. If you are having a difficult time coming up with a variety of options that work, you might want to consider involving yourself in a parenting course in your area.
Keep Focused on the Big Picture:
Sometimes when we get bogged down with trivial matters of the day and find that our anger is hurtful to us and/or others, we need to remind ourselves about what is truly important to us. Such as, “What are my other feelings behind my anger?” “Will this issue which I am extremely angry about now be really important to me tomorrow or next week?” “Whose problem is this? “If it’s not mine, maybe I need to let it go?” “Am I just seeing normal child development?” “This will soon pass”. “What do I want my legacy of a parent to be?”
Take Care of Yourself:
It is difficult to deal with the many intense emotions that come along in a parent’s life if we are not taking care of our own physical, emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual needs. Consider how you might rework your life and environment in order to reflect balance and harmony.
